Dear Friend This is Dr Omerine and I hope you are having a wonderful day. HAVE YOU EVER FELT STUCK..IN A MARRIAGE? Have felt like you are just going through the motions in your relationship ? Like you and your spouse are just roommates? What do you do when you feel like your spouse does not really understand you and you just have to force a smile on, put your head down and do the ” mommy things” just to keep going? Some woman have described it as a death without a funeral …. the death of a relationship. Now you are quarantined with that person and you realize there is absolutely nothing to talk about.You realize that you can’t stand him enough although you do your best to push these feelings away. You feel dismissed by him and feel like he does not show you affection or love. It is fair to expect your spouse to be emotionally supportive. But when such support is not forth coming, it can be nerve-wracking, and could make you feel vulnerable and isolated. However, the first step to take when you notice that your spouse is not emotionally supportive is to identify the root cause of the problem. But, that’s not enough. You need to take extra steps to deal with this problem. Here are some suggestions for dealing with a spouse who is not emotionally supportive. #1. Don’t draw hasty conclusions If you think your spouse is not supportive, it may not be the right time to draw hasty conclusions. Try to assess what is happening objectively and look for a way to talk about it with the other, with love and without prevention. Remember, it may have nothing to do with you -we are in a global pandemic that has affected so many areas of our lives. #2. Dare To Talk About It Sooner or later, you will have to choose to talk about your problems. If you want to resolve them, you must commit to listening to each other and working together to improve the situation. It is important to prepare together for such discussions by making an appointment and agreeing on how to resolve your problems. #3. Choose your battles and Move On Listen, not every discussion will come to a pleasant conclusion. As moms we so much to do and some of you have school-aged kids whose school has been cancelled for the entire year. My sister, now may not be the time for deep heart to heart conversations with someone who may not get it. #4. Discuss only Urgent and Important issues Here is a trick I use, grade the improtance of the issue on a scale of 1-10. Anything that scores an 8 an above can be addressed now, 5-7 address in the next 2 weeks, anything less than 5 is not important. I have been using this scale for a few years now and I have been able to stop a few arguements in their tracks. #5. Build your confidence Listen, if you are already feeling insecure about yourself -your weight, appearance etc, apthy and emotional neglect can make you feel worse. So invest in yourself, exercise and eat well. Take care of your mind and emotions. Read an affirmation daily. Instead of waiting for him to plan something special for you, PLAN something special for yourself. My sister, make a date with yourself and have a nice glass of wine and a book ready for yourself. You only have one life and your whole emotional life cannot revolve around one person. #6. Start meeting unfulfilled needs A person sometimes withdraws from a relationship when they believe their needs are being overlooked. For a healthy marriage, both partners must work actively to discover the needs of the other and to seek to meet them. Seek to understand your partner’s needs so that you can better express your love by meeting those needs. Make your partner and his satisfaction your priority. #7. Own you part Ask yourself “What is my part in this and what can I do to repair the bridge?” Everyone has their share of responsibility in maintaining a relationship. You must recognize your shortcomings. To do this, you have to listen carefully tothe other. Of course, the other must also assume his share of responsibility. Everyone must recognize their shortcomings and seek to improve. #8. Choose to invest again While emotional neglect could be hurting and depressing, you don’t have to give upThe reestablishment of intimacy in the couple is not effortless, and does not happen overnight. The couple must decide together to make the relationship their priority and give the relationship the time it takes to re-establish and deepen it by planning outings and noting them on the agenda. It’s time to invest again in the relationship. #9. Act kindly It may not be a most revolutionary idea, but the exercise of kindness can have a profound influence on the quality of a relationship. Small warm gestures, acts of kindness and efforts to rekindle the flame of passion between you will greatly facilitate the renewal of your relationship. However, it has to come from the heart and with the real intention of making the necessary changes! #10. Give each other space Have you heard the phrase ” familiarity breeds contempt?” Sometimes taking a mental break and creating a physical barrier from that person is a good thing. Remember, we must choose the experience that we want to feel. Sometimes, I chant to myself ” this is your problem, I will not let your problem become my problem” #11. Love from AFAR Someone has to break the vicious cycle of revenge and retribution. It is impossible to change another’s behavior; but it is always possible to change yourself. You don’t have to copy spouse’s lack of support by exhibiting similar behavior. Instead, you can choose to show kindness and love. You stand a better chance of changing the whole situation. If the situation is beyond you, consulting professionals can help improve the situation. XOXO Dr Omerine MD